Insomnia Ramblings

It's 3:23 AM as I start this blog. Why am I starting a blog? Mainly because I want to write in my journal, but I am too lazy to find a pen and somehow I have this idea that maybe I will organize family pictures better if I have somewhere to organize them.  I always intend to print them, but aside form a few select pictures around Christmas time, it never happens.

The fascinating thing about insomnia is that my mind lights up like a twig burning--slowly building up to a bonfire! I have so many ideas in my mind of things I want to do and should do and how I should time things so I get everything done in a timely fashion. I know I will hit a wall and my bonfire will turn into a smouldering heap of ashes soon, but it won't be for a bit. ;)

The electricity went out at 1AM-ish and because we have our kids addicted to sleeping with white noise and nightlights, when the power goes out there are tears. So, candles must be rounded up and soothing words must be said. After doing the regular electricity-out rounds, I just laid there thinking about the fact that we are having a family come stay with us this Sunday---what do I want to make for food, where should everyone sleep, and how am I going to get the house in good enough condition by then?

I also began thinking about my new class, a Cross Training class that I am in love with right now. I was tensing my muscles to see if any of them felt sore---nope, not yet. Too bad. They were so sore after the first class, but that is another something to be amazed with--how fast my body will adapt to whatever I throw at it. What a wonderful thing! The bad thing about starting a new class is that aside from trying to find the time frame to fit it in, I usually want to spend massive amounts of hours researching and making a stellar class. However as a mom of three little boys, it just doesn't happen like that.

I remind myself all the time that there is a time and a season and this is just not the season of my life where I am going to spend massive amount of hours doing any one thing. I am okay with that though.

Boys---when they were tiny, so much work-- but I miss them!

It's interesting to look at myself as mother now compared to when I first had Preston and Eli. I lump them together, because I had them close together in my early 20's. I turned 23 a week and half after Eli was born. I was so high strung and trying to be impressive in every aspect. I wanted to have my kids on a very strict sleeping/eating schedule to 'free up' my time, but it ended up really kind of chaining me down more than ever as I forced myself to stick to that schedule. I wanted to be impressive as a homemaker and tried to learn to make lots of things from scratch. I don't regret that really cause at least I have a few well-practiced things in the arsenal so my family doesn't starve, but my goodness--I was on such a mission to prove something! Am I still like that?

Now, I realize that people who know me will love me even if I don't get the perfect little Christmas presents out to everyone and have gourmet snacks/meals whenever they visit (I am exaggerating--don't really know what gourmet things entail). I am realizing how much money/time I wasted trying to be impressive. It's embarrassing and yet gratifying to see that I can see where I was and hope I have changed for the better.

So, something I have been thinking about lately (aside from how much I have been neglecting my friends--guilt all around!) is how much I love my boys and how fast they are growing! I am going to be one of those annoying Mom's for a second who brags about her brilliant children.

 

 First up is Preston. What a fantastic big brother! He is so helpful and even though he delights in teasing his younger brother, Eli (who didn't enjoying teasing siblings though?) he is quick to help, defend and love both his little brothers. He is so funny too--sometimes I have to turn my face way from him cause he'll make some smart-aleck remark that is just down-right funny! Sometimes he catches the smile in my eyes before I can hide it and he starts laughing. I think we will be good friends when he grows up. I love that I am his mother. Last night we were watching a show called American Pickers, about these people who go around the country looking through people's old junk and finding 'rusty gold' or treasures to restore or clean up, or sell as its for a profit. I teased Preston that it would be a dream job for him! That boy LOVES to create things out of the stuff most of us want to throw away. An old cereal or diaper box are new ships and bridges in his eyes. Ordinary paper can be duct taped around his bed to make a kind of curtain (yes, this is what is there now) and a taped on clipboard is the wooden doorway to this covert little play area. I know it's not really important, but can I gloat about how handsome Preston is too? He has such beautiful blue eyes, with long dark eyelashes (lucky he didn't get my short stubby ones!) and the prettiest skin and lips. He is a pretty boy--just won't say it to his face.

Then there is my little Mexican, Eli--who isn't really so little anymore. He is around 65 lbs already at 6 years old! Blows my mind. I remember when I would pick each of the boys up by the ankle and could hold them up. Now just having them snuggle on my lap is enough. And Eli is so quick! He learns and remembers things so quickly. I am proud to say that he has quickly gained ground in math (I am homeschooling the boys this year--gulp!) and he has matched his big brother in his math skills. I throw out a problem sometimes and he usually is the first to figure out the answer. Math is going to be a strong thing for him I think. Except for his quickness at math, he reminds me a lot of myself in his social-ness. He just loves people. He can't stand to be alone which is too bad because poor Preston really enjoys working alone on projects. Eli usually ends up causing trouble while his brother is trying to work on something--just to be included. "Love me, hate me, don't ignore me" seems to be his motto. Eli's love of cooking and food is so fun for me! I have to admit, this kid is not a very eager worker generally. Getting him to do his daily chores is like pulling teeth--however, if I ask him to help me chop something up or measure out ingredients---he is all over it! Eli has these dark gorgeous eyes---I love them . His expressive face can go from dark and stormy to winningly charming in moments. The other night we were reading scriptures and he began to sob when we were talking about the second coming of Christ. When we finally got him to talk to us about why he was so upset, it was because he was afraid not all of our family would make it to heaven and he just loved everyone so much he didn't want that to happen. We made a family promise that we would all do our best to keep the commandments and help each other to make good choices. He has reminded me since then that we really need to write that promise down so we don't forget. He is a very thoughtful amazing, amazing, little boy!

Both my big boys are very sensitive. Preston tears up and cries during emotional, touching scenes in movies and if he hears about something sad he has a hard time containing his emotions, usually asking the speaker to 'stop talking about it please!'. Eli isn't emotional like that, but instead he usually over-thinks and worries about things in his mind. It's late at night that he comes to me to talk about something he is worried or afraid of and if there are tears it is because of a fear or worry that have to do with his family on a large scale. I feel fortunate to have such sweet, sensitive (although often loud and unruly!) little men in my family.

Then there is Dallin! What a fun little guy. I am enjoying being a mother of an infant this time so much more than the other two. I know that doesn't sound very nice or fair, but it is just the way it is. Maybe 5 more years of life experience helped me to be in a better place. I love learning new things about this little guy and wondering what it all means in terms of who he will become. He seems to really love being around people. He is pretty easy going as long as he is in the hub of the action. When he left alone in a room (except in his bedroom for naptime/bedtime) he cries within a couple of minutes and if you return to the room--not even talking to him or anything, he calms right down. He is such a smiley guy too--he laughs and smiles so much. And this boy can eat! He thinks he should get to taste anything we are putting into our mouths and he is just barely 6 months old! Unlike the first two babies I was so strict with, he has tried a LOT of variety in food

already. 

Ok....David is a awake now (to go hunting) and telling me I should go back to bed. He doesn't get insomnia like I do and doesn't understand the futility of just laying there. So I will probably put my hands down (doesn't sound as poetic as putting down a pen does it?) and use them to pick up a book to read instead. A 4AM mini breakfast is starting to sound tempting.

I hope I can keep up in here. I can write so much more. I know I will always keep and pen/paper journal but this is a fun quick way to get some things down.

"Sometimes being a brother is even better than being a superhero."